March 28th: You don't need to go far down the available cabinet ministers before they wheel out Indian James Corden and you suddenly realise how few cabinet ministers you'd actually even heard of.
Looking back over the strangest month in most peoples' lives, from here on April 19th, I'm revisiting posts on my Facebook timeline and seeing how much our world, and how we see it, has changed in that short time. For example on March 19th I wrote...
Well there's a turnup for the books: an email from a school that's not cancelling! In fact they're even talking of adding more dates in July.
Subject to impending apocalypse, obviously. But nice that some people are thinking in terms of light at the end of the tunnel, eh?
NB: The school has subsequently cancelled, but that's how optimistic some of us were a month ago. The Edinburgh Fringe hadn't cancelled yet, though on March 19th Cannes was canned (bringing to mind a Suzi Quatro song, a reference for the kids there).
March 20th: I post a story about a plague of locusts and find it hilarious.
March 20th: Ha ha. You know in Tangled, Rapunzel is in Quarantine up a tower? Guess what the name of the Kingdom is? You can google it, we've got all lockdown.
March 20th: Edinburgh Fringe announces its deadlines are "put back by a month". To which I comment "yeah, that'll do it".
March 21st: I get nostalgic about the 1970s power cuts, realising I've become my own parents again, remembering how they used to tell us it was worse in the war. I also discover the stories of dolphins in the waters of locked-down Venice were untrue, and echo a story from Denmark:
Would this work to prevent hoarding and panic buying?
One bottle = normal price
Two bottles = a hundred quid
NB: A month later, panic buying is a distant memory. For the moment. Ask me again in May.
Wow, Talking Pictures TV. Maybe time for on-screen warnings? I just turned over to this early role by Justin Trudeau!
March 23rd: I discover "Samuel Pepys" tweets we've been sharing about the 1665 plague were in fact spoofs, and I write a song to the tune of Don't Go Breaking My Heart - Stand Two Metres Apart. It doesn't get recorded.
March 24th: Today's motto, again, is Judge Not lest ye be judged yourself. So far I've read threads insulting WH Smith for keeping branches open, by people who don't know many WH Smiths contain Post Offices; dog owners and walkers condemning other people for being dog owners and walkers; and people who don't seem to appreciate how many people don't have gardens, or live on streets so densely packed with flats that, if only a fraction of them steps out onto the street, they are street, they are automatically on a crowded street. Let us not demonise others, but try and think of others before ourselves. I'll try and stay off social media.
I mention the death of Albert Uderzo on Twitter and it becomes my most retweeted tweet ever. Timing.
March 24th: After yesterday's moan, the DVLA & DVSA have realised how stupid it was to keep MOT tests going through the crisis and have changed the rules. Sorry we punters spotted the problem before their bosses did.
March 26th: Hospitals announce free parking for staff, it's the 15th anniversary of the start of Doctor Who, and we give our first Clap To The NHS.
March 27th: I put the whole one hour show of the Socks' Superheroes up on Youtube. A month later it's had 568 views, so not setting the world alight.
March 28th: I share an article about the 8 strains of coronavirus circling the globe and learn (and forget) the term phylogenetic trees.
March 29th: I share another article about Covid 19, "And, as usual, I'm learning new terms that I'll have forgotten by lunchtime. Hands up who knew what IGb is? A PCR test? Cytokines?" Also a letter from Italy about what we can expect, they being a month ahead of us, and a youtube video about the Covid 19 curve, all very quaint now.
March 30th:Good morning Facebook. Who else just brought the milk in, remembering to wash the bottle and their hands with hot soapy water. 2020 eh? Also Alan Merrill of The Arrows dies, and a book festival and an arts centre are able to pay me half fees for cancelled events (they're the only two who've been able to do this, sadly).
March 31st: My #JudgeNotLestYeBeJudgedYourself dictum is being tested by watching scaffolders working outside. Who we'll call, for the sake of argument, Nobby Nosepick, Freddie Fag-On, and Peter Pass-Me-The-Phone.
April 1st: Edinburgh Fringe cancels, at last.
April 2: Today's fun figures to cheer us all up, and keep things in perspective. In the USA every year, an average of 30 million people get flu, half a million get hospitalised, and 45,000 die. In 2017/18, 61,000 Americans died from seasonal flu.
Now, I'm not one of those people who says "covid's no worse than flu" because I know the differences. But we can say the totals have not reached the totals for regular, annual flu yet. And they still might not, as long as we take sensible p… See More
April 3: Who else watched the National Theatre's live stream of One Man Two Guvnors last night? It was brilliant fun and we were laughing out loud, even though it's the second time we've seen it (first time was with a James Corden-alike lead in Bristol).
The NHS clapalong was well-timed, it came during one of the scenes without Corden in. (But I fear we didn't last the whole 5 minutes, and our street was a lot less enthusiastic now that we could all see each other, it being daytime now.) Also Bill Withers dies.
April 4: So does this make it conclusive: there is no actual money in digital comics? If Marvel & DC think the inability to distribute physical comics is the end of the business, that must mean that they can get no-one to pay for digital editions, or they generate too little revenue to make it worthwhile. Or, worst case scenario, comics were only being bought by people who thought the bits of paper were an 'investment' that they could sell for a profit in years to come.
"I hope it's not a dead horse" - Alan Partridge at the #VirtualGrandNational today
"In 2020 no horses died..."
Today we’ve been trying to recreate our weekend art gallery fix by taking a virtual tour of The Louvre. We lasted about 10 minutes. It’s not the same.
April 4:That game the kids are playing: six famous people you've met, but ONE is a lie. In my case Doctors Who (and 'met' counts as 'was in close proximity to'). Which is untrue?
Tom Baker - walked past on Regent Street
Peter Davison - was up the Empire State Building at the same time as him
Colin Baker - saw in Dr Who stage play in Brighton and he was in the bar afterwards
Sylvester McCoy - saw at Our Dynamic Earth exhibition in Edinburgh where he was doing a show
Paul McGann - in Renato's in Bristol
Matt Smith - in TV production company reception when we were both up for the same voice over
I'll reveal the answer tomorrow.....
April 5: That 6 famous people thing, one of them is false. But which one? This time it's politicians I've 'met' (ie walked past)...
Michael Portillo (by Wellington Arch, London)
Ed Balls (Paddington Station)
Donald Dewar (Scottish First Minister, on George St Edinburgh)
Alec Douglas Home (former PM, on a London underground platform)
Jack Straw (in the audience for the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre at Edinburgh)
Alex Salmond (at a TV studio where I was filming Battle Of The Books for BBC 4)
It explains, possibly, why people like nurses, bus drivers, and Prime Ministers (who lives in a flat above a crowded workplace) would be likely to get the virus worse. Reduce the number of chances of exposure and you reduce the MOI.
Has nobody made a poster that says "Steer Calmer With Kier Starmer" yet? What are you all playing at?
Here are six jobs I've worked at but ONE is a lie. Guess which one.
Gorillagram
Warm up for Deal Or No Deal
Double glazing salesman
Wool stapler
HGV driver (fully qualified)
Wrote & drew a strip in the Daily Sport
April 7: What the hell is Kirstie Allsopp doing on the masthead of today's The Guardian? She did the same but worse than the Scottish Health Minister, taking her INFECTED family from London to their second home in Devon, and boasting about it on TV!
So a Health Minister gets canned for it, and a TV estate agent gets promoted to the front cover, and a big cheque for 700 words? Very poor Guardian, very poor.
April 7: Genuine question: If you can smell the perfume of the jogger that just went past panting, could you get coronavirus particles from their breath? Just happened on our walk this morning. Is it just us who envisage great dirty vapour trails emanating from every jogger and cyclist?
Happiness is: remembering to cancel your airport parking for the next two flights and getting £80 quid back instantly (thanks Bristol Airport parking).
Less good news: realising you'd forgotten to cancel the parking for your flight last week!
April 8: Artrix arts centre closes. This is dreadful news. Having performed a number of times at Artrix, with the Scottish Falsetto Socks and with The Sitcom Trials, I know that this is an art centre that has a pivotal role in its community and will leave a terrible hole.
We can only hope that, after the pandemic, arts institutions (many of which are being affected) will get a proper review and an overhaul of their funding and that places will be brought back into existence.
April 8: Ironically I’ve never met a smug New Zealander. The one country that can claim smug rights on their Covid-19 clampdown. (Acted immediately, only one death, only three people in intensive care!)
April 9: And today’s lesson in Virology 101 is The Cluster Effect. One cluster that’s not mentioned here, and that I’d like to see mapped, is the Cheltenham (racing) Festival last month. Because, oddly, Gloucestershire itself has relatively low figures for Covid 19. Suggesting that the 250,000 Cheltenham race-goers went home to somewhere further flung. Was it to London? To Ireland? Or, as my personal theory goes, did so many return to isolated farms and remo…
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April 9: "You do not survive the illness through fortitude and strength of character, whatever the Prime Minister’s colleagues will tell us... And the disease is not a great leveller, the consequences of which everyone - rich or poor - suffers the same.”
Nice one Emily Maitlis. Sensible talk from her opening to last night's Newsnight, challenging some of the nonsense spoken by politicians and others about "fighting" Covid by being "strong willed" or whatever.
April 9: 660 parties broken up in Manchester! Wow! This puts things a little into perspective, don't you think? Given that my Facebook is dotted with people social-shaming the odd couple getting too close in the park, I think we could spare that bile for the sort of partying crowds who are deliberately, wilfully, and dangerously disobeying the guidelines. Less of the "I saw a family half a mile away sit down on the grass, the serial-killing bastards" eh?
April 10: This morning's informative and helpful read is this brief history of WHO - The World Health Organisation. How much about it did you know? Today's lesson is brought to you by the term Phaic (pronounced 'fake', unfortunately), the name Gro Harlem Brundtland, and (in order of appearance) Smallpox, Sars, Swine Flu, Ebola, and Covid-19.
Might I recommend the best TV show we've watched so far this lockdown season? If you want a show about an international lockdown, including viruses and aliens, chiming so much with the present crisis you won't believe it, you must watch Torchwood Children Of Earth. (A 5 part sci fi mini series from 2009, now on iPlayer)
You'll never see children being allowed to return to school in the same way again! And as for Frobisher's final scene, it… See More
April 10: Feeling sorry for the couple who just emailed me about a caricaturing gig I was booked for. They've had to reschedule their wedding BY A YEAR! On the plus side, I've got a caricaturing gig in June 2021.
April 11: What? Who knew that 14 London transport workers have died after contracting the virus, nine of them bus workers? This is the first time I've seen that figure. Dreadful dreadful news. Oh and Matt Hancock can do one!
April 12: Who else got a Dalek and Tardis choccy easter treat made by their darling? Yes, you may be rightly jealous. Thankyou Heather Tweed
NB: They're solid, so that Tardis took some eating! I am now bigger on the inside.
April 12: Wow! I have just watched the most inexplicably awful movie! Never Too Young To Rock starring Mud, The Glitter Band and The Rubettes. Worth watching, and yes I sat through the whole thing, to experience your jaw dropping at the incompetence of the whole escapade. Also to see a very young and spotty Jim Ure (before he changed his name to Midge) with very very long hair singing The Boogiest Band In Town. It's on Amazon Prime now, god help us all.
April 14: This brilliant strip by Tom Gauld reminds me of the phrase dad used to use about me as a teenager: "He'd get fresh air poisoning if he went outside" (bemoaning the fact I'd rather stay in and read & draw than go out and do anything physical). We can conclude teenage me would have been loving the lockdown.
April 16: Good morning Facebook. And today's thought is the spread after the loosening. No, not what happens when I undo my trouser belt (dad joke klaxon), but what happens when UK Covid-19 restrictions start to be lifted. Because there are some areas - mine in North Somerset for example - that have next to no cases. We have 124 confirmed Covid cases as of April 15th, which in a population of 214,000 is next to none. (We had one death, which happened so early on he made the cover of … See More
At the age of 20 I lived in a photo booth.
Which brings us to today, April 19th, when the Scottish Falsetto Socks are due to do their first online gig, in Dean Friedman's DeanZine tonight. Also I'll be practising with Steve to see if we can master the online interview. It's all go.
My debut graphic novel Findlay Macbeth, available on Amazon now: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/152725853X
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