It now gives both of our Edinburgh shows equal parity (since, the truth be told, Boo Lingerie is currently outselling Chunky Woollen Nits at a rate of two to one, not surprisingly as no existing fan has ever seen us emerge before lunchtime before. Though that said, Chunky is outselling our 2007 debut show by a good margin already, so all looking good).
Now a little bonus, a script that we're way too busy to get round to finishing writing let alone recording and uploading (with Edinburgh starting on Wednesday, and me doing two days of comic workshops in London on Monday & Tuesday, I hope you can imagine just how much there is still to do). Just imagine the Socks' voices and enjoy...
R (The Sock on stage right): And now we present an Olympic opening ceremony for Aidan Burley MP
L (Left) : Aidan Burley MP?
R Yes, he called Danny Boyle's opening ceremony Leftie Multicultural Crap, and you'll remember he's the Tory MP who organised a party where people dressed as Nazis. So here's an Olympic opening ceremony just for you, Aidan.
L Hello, is that Kenneth Branagh as Isambard Kingdom Brunel?
R No, foreign name. It’s Noel Edmonds dressed as Lord Nelson the man who repeatedly spoke against William Wilberforce’s Abolition of Slavery Bills & kept slavery active for another decade.
L Are those hordes of miners and steelworkers and farmers and suffragettes?
R No they’re the people who do the real work – bankers, and hedge fund managers, and most importantly the accountants who help them put all their money into offshore accounts in Switzerland – and if that’s not patriotic I don’t know what is.
L Do I hear music by the Jam and the Sex Pistols & Arctic Monkeys & Dizzee Rascal?
R You do not, you heathen. No, in Aidan Burley’s version it’s music by Phil Collins, Simply Red, Phil Collins again and the Black & White Minstrels.
L Is this JK Rowling reading a bit of Peter Pan?
R No it’s Helen Bannerman, the author of Little Black Sambo, reading an excerpt from Tom Sawyer, the unexpurgated version with all the N words left in – there, is that multicultural enough for you?
L Ooh look, all those kids beds are moving together to form -
R Isn't that lovely? A BUPA logo. And in a dream sequence we see the glorious future where one day only people who can pay for it get healthcare and everyone else can just die.
L Oh look it’s the Queen. Is she going to get into a helicopter with James Bond?
R Yes, only in Aidan Burley’s version Prince Phillip comes along and shouts things out of the window at foreigners.
L Is that Mr Bean?
R No, it’s Bernard Manning. Doing some hilarious jokes about – ok look, it’s Freddie Starr dressed as Hitler. Bless.
L And on the screen are those clips of Alf Garnett taken totally out of context?
R They are. In short there’s only one way to do the opening ceremony so it’ll please Aidan Burley – look here comes film director Leni Reifenstahl
L And will we have a group of kids arranging themselves into a CND logo?
R We’d have kids arranging themselves into a logo alright, just not that logo.
The Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre present not one but two new shows at the Edinburgh Fringe 2012: Boo Lingerie - A Socky Horror Show every night at 10.40pm and Chunky Woollen Nits - The Family-Friendly Hour at 11am. Tickets are now on sale, book now!
See all other Socks tour dates in the Scottish Falsetto Socks Gig Guide.