Kev F comic art: A rant about Love, Actually

This. 100% This.

I watched Love Actually for the first time last night. My god it is a horrible movie. The article below sums up some of the horror, better than I could. It's such a white, male, unironic exploitative wankfest it's almost unbelievable!

Hugh Grant plays a sympathetic Bill Clinton. Liam Neeson plays Hugh Grant. Colin Firth plays Hugh Grant. Alan Rickman plays a slightly older Hugh Grant. And Bill Nighy plays Hugh Grant looking like Hugh Grant looks nowadays. Every one of them an entitled creep. One of them (Liam Hugh Grant Neeson) even teaches his son how to be an entitled creep. And the bloke out of The Walking Dead, also doing a Hugh Grant now I think about it, is the creepiest of all, breaking up his best mate's marriage then sodding off.

The only women with a storyline are Emma Thompson, who ends up getting screwed over and unhappy; Laura Linney, who ends up getting screwed over and unhappy; and the creepy woman in the office who gets a necklace and an unresolved storyline. And what's with all the women's clothes falling off, including Stacey out of Gavin & Stacey, but him out of The Office & Bill Nighy - and the silent bloke from Laura Linney's office, get to cover their willies? 

And I forgot about the Kris Marshall-as-Hugh-Grant storyline. I thought that was bound to be a dream sequence. But no, it was Richard Curtis's teenage wet dream simply made real. What?

What's most inexplicable is that people express to like this film, to even love it actually, and that most of those people appear to be women. How? Why?

Does anyone have anything to say in the defence of this atrocious film?

PS: Die Hard is 100 times more Christmassy than Love Actually. Fact.


When I posted the above on Facebook I got nearly 150 replies:

Felicity HarperIt's a good film exactly because of all that. It doesn't need to be ironic to get its point across - the women ALL have a stroyline - the men are just vehicles to show those storylines.
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Kev SutherlandHang on, are you being ironic now? I find it so hard to keep up.
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Felicity HarperKev Sutherland No, absolutely not. I can't bear the film, but it IS a good film: it shpws women being exploited by men who think the world revolves around them. Also, it's nonsense to decry a film because it is white and straight - it was made when it … See more
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Benjamin Francis ElliottI think it has what many women want in a romance novel movie in the early 2000s.
Hugh Grant
All men acting like Hugh Grant, but in way that you think you can change them… See more
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Kev SutherlandThis film was made, of course, 8 years after Hugh Grant's fall from grace with a hooker in LA, and 8 years before Operation Yewtree and #MeToo. The high nipple count dates it as much as the posh bloke privilege.
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James MatthewsKev- I’m trying understand you, but the more I read, the harder it gets! So, you’re offended by women’s nipples?
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Sean BrightmanThe one redeeming feature of that film is that it features British Soul Singer Lyndon David Hall, before his untimely death from cancer.
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Steve DayJunior Simpson is in it, that's its one redeeming feature.
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Stephen GrantSteve Day as is Marcus Brigstocke
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Roger PoulterIs there something about Monday morning, this is the second rant I’ve heard from a comedian friend. You might like this Lin Smith
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Lin SmithRoger Poulter revving now
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Frank PlowrightVery pleased to read this, as Lynn keeps telling me she thinls I'd enjoy it, whereas I'm convinced I wouldn't.
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Eli WinterFrank Plowright I had been told off by various girlfriends about not watching it for years and finally did bother due to peer pressure, a couple of years ago. 2 hours of my life I'll never get back (I suggest you don't waste your time either - hold you… See more
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Glenn MillerFrank Plowright I saw this shortly after it came out with a GF at the time, the same one who dragged me to 4 hours of David Icke at the Brixton Academy. She wanted to walk halfway through the film. It was that bad.
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Dan EvansRe the article, The woman in the office can hardly be described as ‘creepy’.
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Kev SutherlandWe were calling her creepy as we were watching it. She does a "gaping legs" mime as she's coming onto him. How uncreepy is that?
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Kev SutherlandListen to her lines again, but this time they're read by Dawn French, being seductive. There. That's what we heard.
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Dan EvansI hardly think Hugh Grant is being Bill Clinton either. He’s implausibly sexless until him and Martine find a genuine connection. Bill was highly sexed and predatory by most accounts…
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Kev SutherlandAnd Martina wasn't doing a Monica. And my arse plays the banjo. 
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Dan EvansKev Sutherland that story was totally implausible but I think your reasoning is very flawed on this. As I say I didn’t buy it but it was clearly a ‘love’ story
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Jem RobertsDie Hard is still shit things-go-bang action for boys with tiny willies though.
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Kev SutherlandIt's Chriiiiiiiiistmas! No, wait, that's Slade. As you were.
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Paul GannonJem Roberts even as someone who enjoys the comfort of the first Die Hard, it's the fact it was the antidote to the Stallone/Arnie stuff makes it less "big bangs for tiny willies"... Whereas Love Actually is a film that grows thoroughly more distasteful… See more
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Simon HallI love this film, and it still makes me cry. It’s the first film I watch when I start getting Christmassy.
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Dan EvansSimon Hall you can (and must) do better!
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Simon HallDan Evans tbf, most films make me cry. But that Emma Thompson scene… EVERY TIME!
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Dan EvansThis film does little for me but neither do lazy take downs like this article. I think it lives or dies by the quality of the shorts that compose it… and the kris Marshall one just fuckin appalling! But to criticise it for being schmaltzy etc seems daft
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Lee WellsWell if you play Die Hard directly after Love Actually, then Alan Rickman gets his comeuppance.
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Lee WellsMind you, there’s random boobs in that one too, mind…
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Helen Coupe
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Lee Wellsi had no idea it was a thing. Been saying it for years. Mind you, Robin Hood - Prince of thieves works equally well to punish a womanising cad. But less Christmassy.
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Hans JenssenOne of the most horribly awful films I have actually wasted a small chunk of my life on. I should have given up on Richard Curtis after Notting Hill, which was nearly as bad.
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Garry Andrew MullenIt's an interesting perspective, but, I think men don't like this film in general because (rightly so) it doesn't show men in a positive light. The men are not the main feature here and if you watch the film thinking they are, you miss the point entire… See more
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Kev SutherlandI was going to point out that all the women's lines sound like they've been written for Dawn French, putting on a different cartoon version of herself.
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Garry Andrew MullenKev Sutherland and that would fit. It's all very Dibley esque actually. Same writer though and he is a bit of a one trick pony really.
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Jem Jenkins Jones I just have Being John Malkcovich but with Hugh Grant in my head now. Have to admit though.. I do like the film sorry
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Marc BlakeNever got through it without 
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Adam BlaizeWhy can't people just enjoy the film without looking for an angle or a deeper meaning? It's not trying to be political or reinvent the wheel. It's just a bit of fun, that's it.
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Kev SutherlandThat's what I say about Jim'll Fix It.
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Reece Morris JonesI guess 'mild criticism ' is political now? Rest of us just call something shit.
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Susan FoxReally don’t get the appeal of this film at all. Saw it at the cinema when it first came out …. Never bothered again.
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Reece Morris JonesI can see the appeal of the film. But it always puzzles me that folks saw it as a festive film.
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Dave WynnI bloody hate this awful film with a passion, but my partner loves it! It’s so weird.
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Rocio CanoHated it when it came out. The Kris Marshall, Colin Firth and Hugh Grant stories were cliché and cringeworthy. The Keira Knightley, Andrew thingy and Chiwetel Ejioffor love triangle (apart from how offensive to waste Chiwetel in a bit part) turned my s… See more
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Steve TannerI made £50 from this film. I was running a coffee shop at Oxo Tower in London when they were filming it. That short scene when they were sat drinking coffee near the giant Christmas tree? Those cups were provided by me as they'd forgotten to bring the props. 
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Patrick MccannI have never seen this film nor intended to but had a kind of idea it might be a cheesy, glitzy Xmas romance type vehicle. However your discription of a unicorn wankfest has piqued my curiosity and I will give it a viewing purely in the interest of science!
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Anna BrosnanDisagree with some points but the "what could only be a dream sequence" in America ruins the chances of it being authentic anywhere else, office homewrecker is super creepy and that along with Laura linney storyline really enfuriates me! Hugh grant an… See more
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Kev SutherlandIt is a truth universally acknowledged that when a rich middle class man is given a female servant, she will automatically want to cop off with him. 
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Anna BrosnanKev Sutherland yeah actually 20 year old me had much less a of a problem, almost 40 year old me does however haha, I couldn't watch it again now 
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Gordon RennieIt’s basically a stalker’s manual. Just about all the male protagonists in each story are stalkers….and the film wants you to think their behaviour is just adorable.
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Kev SutherlandThe kid grew up alright. Only slightly stalker-y in The Queens Gambit.
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Gordon RennieKev Sutherland
You could remake the story with Andrew Lincoln and Kiera Knightley as a stalker horror movie and not really have to change much. … See more
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Peter John Ewbank"STACY" FROM GAVIN AND STACY GET HER TITS OUT IN THIS, ITS A FILM I MUST SEE !!! 
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Kev SutherlandAnd there it is
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Peter John EwbankWell read the Gentleman's Review and I definitely got see this, they all sound like TORY POLITICIANS in standard practice...
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Anna Brosnanhttps://www.google.com/.../en-gb/love-actually-is-the-worst
REFINERY29.COM
I Rewatched 'Love Actually' & We Should Definitely Leave It In The Past
I Rewatched 'Love Actually' & We Should Definitely Leave It In The Past
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Louisa SmithAnna Brosnan Salmagundi is my new favourite word 
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Anna BrosnanOK best thing about the movie is Julia davis
https://www.google.com/.../love-actually-cast-minor.../
SMOOTHRADIO.COM
10 unsung heroes from Love Actually who deserve recognition
10 unsung heroes from Love Actually who deserve recognition
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Elise HarrisI went to see it with a boyfriend who loved it. He was like one of the creepy male protagonists in every way. I thought the Emma Thompson crying scene was very affecting but the rest of it is very, very horrible. The deleted subplot with the lesbian he… See more
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Anna BrosnanThis is my fave review
https://www.google.com/.../love-actually-review-overrated...
VOX.COM
The case against Love Actually
The case against Love Actually
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Jimi LongmuirI remember thinking it looked absolutely dreadful and was actually alright when I got dragged to see it in the cinema. Now I think it looks dreadful again, despite having seen it and kind of enjoying a bit 17 years ago. I'm not rewatching to try and so… See more
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Charmian HughesI’d like to see a version where the anti terror police swarm the airport and shoot the boy
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Rupert WainwrightI still really like it
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Rianne RowlandsWay too many “fat girl” jokes too (to a girl who is very NOT fat) that don’t land well today, but back in the early 00’s they were all the rage. (See Bridget Jones, movies based on one long fat girl joke!)
I agree with most of your points (I especial… See more
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Louisa SmithRianne Rowlands yeah the jibes about Martine McCutcheon's character's weight really upset me, even back when I first saw it 
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Louisa SmithRianne Rowlands and I agree about Alan Rickman! Even as a cad, I just adore every second he is on screen!
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Judi StaffordI have a good idea  Don't watch it 
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Kev SutherlandThat ship sailed last night. I had 17 years of blissful ignorance!
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John ShawJudi Stafford you and your common sense
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Alan Holloway
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Marcus BrigstockeOh. 
This again.… See more
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Kev SutherlandLadies and gentlemen, the best thing in the film! Merry Christmas old man.
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Adrian ThompsonWatch Die Hard straight after it, and see Alan Rickman get his comeuppance for what he did to Emma Thompson…
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Robin SmithTry this
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Robin Smithhttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ePU2Ux9JIMM
YOUTUBE.COM
Serendipity Official Trailer #1 - (2001) HD
Serendipity Official Trailer #1 - (2001) HD
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Robin SmithOr this
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Robin Smithhttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PKxsOlzuH0k
YOUTUBE.COM
I Can't Put My Arms Down! | A Christmas Story | TBS
I Can't Put My Arms Down! | A Christmas Story | TBS
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Emma GreenI was always really upset by the Laura Linney storyline - I can remember saying to anyone who went on about how happy and feel good it was - but what about Laura Linney!!! What happened to her??? Is she okay? And the bit with the bloke from This Life b… See more
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Felicity HarperEmma Green Gosh. I didn't think it was happy and feel good at all. I think that in itself makes it a good film in that people take such different things from it.
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Robin SmithHave you tried it with the commentary track
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Kev SutherlandThank God you don’t get those on Netflix!
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Philip BoyceI'd never considered some of the points you raised but I see what you mean. What always pissed me off, right back to when the film was new, was that we were meant to be cheering on the white guy who wanted to steal away his black friend's new white bri… See more
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Felicity HarperPhilip Boyce What rubbish. He just wants her - irrelevant who her partner is. And who on earth would be cheering him on? The idea was to feel sorry for him for being pointlessly infatuated.
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Davy FrancisI recorded it five years ago but haven't watched it all. Thanks for the heads up, Kev Sutherland, you threw yourself on the hand grenade there, matey!
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Ian ElleryDavy Francis It’s a great movie. Don’t listen to old misery guts!
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Kev SutherlandThanks everyone for joining in with this fun thread. Now go off and buy my new Colouring Books for your family for Christmas. It's what Richard Curtis would have wanted... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09NGQXRCC
AMAZON.CO.UK
Unofficial Eurovision Pop Star Colouring Book: 33-and-a-third brand new images & articles, adult coloring for kids of all ages (Pop Star Colouring Books)
Unofficial Eurovision Pop Star Colouring Book: 33-and-a-third brand new images & articles, adult coloring for kids of all ages (Pop Star Colouring Books)
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Kev SutherlandAnd this one... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09MYVSP59
AMAZON.CO.UK
1960s Pop Star Colouring Book: 45 new images & articles, adult colouring for kids of all ages (Pop Star Colouring Books)
1960s Pop Star Colouring Book: 45 new images & articles, adult colouring for kids of all ages (Pop Star Colouring Books)
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Kev SutherlandThis one too... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09M5HS2WY
AMAZON.CO.UK
1970s Pop Star Colouring Book Bumper Edition: 45 new images & articles adult coloring for kids of all ages (Pop Star Colouring Books)
1970s Pop Star Colouring Book Bumper Edition: 45 new images & articles adult coloring for kids of all ages (Pop Star Colouring Books)
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Louisa SmithI watched it the other night and I have to say that it's not aged well! Some bits are fabulous, others contrived, unrealistic, make zero sense and a few moments are a wee bit teeth sucking!
Play GIF
Tenor
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Kathryn SpencerMore saccharine than a tub of Canderel (Love Actually, not your colouring books).
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Shane ChebseyI'm not a fan of the movie as a whole, but Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman are bloody brilliant in it with outstanding character performances.
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Emily McGorman-BruceFINALLY!! I loathe this film for all of the reasons you highlighted above (+ Kira Knightly clearly leads that guy on too!) It's a miserable film and I get told it's not every year!!
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Sian TeagueI agree so much with this. I will always defend Notting Hill as a superior film over Love Actually. Gremlins is also more heartwarming than Love Actually…even that little flasher gremlin is not as creepy as Andrew Lincoln and the other males in it.
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Sian TeagueAlthough I do like it when Bill Nighy says Ant OR Dec to one of them.
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Kevin PreciousIt's absolute drek... it was at the time, and I can only imagine the ageing process has made it worse... oh, and when you take it out to the bin, can you take 'Yesterday' with it?
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Marc BlakeCannot get through it without 
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Monday, 20 December 2021

A rant about Love, Actually

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